I love the colors

At night. Sodium, flourescent, red, blue, bathing the normally mundane scenes in our day-to-day. New shadows, new glares. Every 20 m a bath of orange glow, like a miniature sunset on the undersides of hundreds of fan-shaped ginko leaves. I guess what I really like is the fact that the overbearing sun isn't shining. And the way the moon, as coy as ever, greets me some nights waiting and grinning just at my front door.

My existence baffles me. I know that to percieve or to believe mean nothing to it.... what is it? This existence, not this life, nor this story, nor the monotony that plagues worldliness.

At times I look in my mind at the sky, at the far side of the galaxy, or at some person crying on the other side of the world, or a morning glory blooming on some distant island sunrise. And I feel exactly like falling to my knees on the grass under the stars. I want to scream at the Everything, "Take me! Take me back!" As though if I desired it so completely, bared my chest where my heart ties soul to flesh, I would be heard. By god, or nirvana, the angels, or the dao, or by what free will and belief can muster. And disintegrate. Dissolve every last thought and breath and cell down below the quarks, and exist simultaneously, completely, with everything, everyplace, everytime, again. And I guess, "that's what 'god' must feel like." I know it. Everything is like a deja vu, a dream in that shadows that haunts though you can't quite recall, like a memory so long ago that only tattered fragments of scenes remain, but the feeling is as vivid as ever.

Other times, I relish in the absolute beauty of perception, sensuality, humanism. Like the giving of an honest smile, or a cool breeze laden with wet, or the sparkle on the wings of two dragonflies conjoined, skirting a sun beam, smoke curling from a wild blaze, or the moment of a toast with colleagues. I want to capture that exact moment of truth or beauty or brazen life, want to take hold and experience that exactly for as long as I can. As though, if I breathed deep enough, I could live forever in that moment along with all the other wonders. And I guess, "that's what 'death' must feel like." Wrapped in a series of instants, beautiful and terrible both, that comprise the roll of human life. And I know it, too. Know death like an old friend that remains beside you no matter how far away you are, like an old favorite song that you can't say why you can't get out of your head. I know I've died many times, and loved it.

I know I wouldn't have lived without it.

Thoughts rolling

An extension on the Cloud/Thought analogy.

And speaking of which, what if we could cloud-think, the way cloud computing works?
Maybe we kindof already do? I guess that's the idea behind a "brainstorming" session.
wow. lol

Anyways.

So, thinking about people recently, does it not seem at times as though similarities somehow naturally attract? As in, some parts of your life, of your mindset, or anything else you thought was relatively unique to you, are found in people you become close to. The, "No, really? omg, me too!" moment must be cliche because it's so damn common. I mean, it feels like similar people somehow just find each other, as though those similarities draw them to each other. Feels special to find some deeper connection to someone you never imagined. But on the flip side of that, it's hard not to feel jaded about people. And how special it is that an acquaintance I always felt inexplicably close to, that friend's grandmother also died when he was in High School? And it was a turning point for him? Is that why I always felt comfortable with this guy? Who the hell knows? Is that really that special, though? In retrospect, it seems less so. Stereotypical, almost.
Humanity, as beautiful as it is, is just that homogeneous.

My whole life seems like merely a collection of stereotypes. Perhaps that combination is relatively unique, but that doesn't make me feel any less like a formula, or any more special.

Starting to ask myself why I'm so damn pre-occupied with novelty, experience, and humanity.
I isolated one thing recently. It went like this:
SE) Why do I hate myself?
Id) Average.
SE) Why am I average?
Id) I'm not average.
Just not very special.
SE) Why am I not special?
Id) I suppose I am, to some people.
That counts.
SE) Why does that still bother me?
Id) I'm a walking stereotype.
Nothing about me is novel.
SE) Why does it matter if I'm novel or not?
Id) I'm just another body in a sea of 6 billion people.
SE) So, the only way to cure this feeling is to stand somehow above the waves?
Id) I guess that's what I mean, yeah.....
SE) That's called famous, not special. You're special. So, what, you want to be famous?
Id) Well.... I dunno about that. But yeah. Yeah, if that's what it is, I wanna be famous.
SE) (facepalm) Well, get famous already.

The Korean word for humanity literally translates to "Human Beauty," which I understood at first, but didn't immediately translate in my mind as "humanity." Maybe that reveals something about my psychological profile, and how it differs from the Korean mind.

I feel like doing drugs. That's pretty terrible, I guess. But it doesn't feel bad. Can't say why I feel like it? Probably just wanna do something new. Or maybe it's Lady Gaga's "Just Dance" video? I guess this means Id is winning lately.
Don't want to be a teacher anymore. Because being a bad boy like he wants to be is not compatible with being a teacher. I'd get in trouble and lose a teaching job. I think I'll just get some menial part-time job when I get back to the US. Always wanted to do that. Food Lion was awesomely mindless the one week I worked there.

I'm fucking numb.
Cloud's not a particularly passionate thing to be. Pretty passive. Ethereal. But that's accurate, for now.

Pick and Eat Me (again)

Why!?
Oh, Dream
You come to my window in the witching hour
Blow in on the cool air

Sit astride me
Tease from my defenseless mind:
Memories, desires, and fears;
Your playthings.

You dance all night, just
Keeping the reality of satisfaction of reality
from me.

Whipping about me my dreams,
My friendships
The scenes of my life,
The depth of unspoken thoughts

O! You cruel seductress, you tormentor!
Never allow me control
Nor climax

Faw! You'll destroy me, leading me on like this
But daylight is coming to interrupt
Your dance over my body,
Through my mind
With your fox-wicked smile

A final kiss, confusing
Escape suddenly, as you came
Leaving no note to haunt me
Only the curiousity of fading warmth
Gone after

one,

two,

three

breaths.
Something inside me groping, longing
after you again
Glutton for punishment, am I not?

But instead stand to face another,
Just as bittersweet
ethereal
cruel, and
foreign

Dream.