I really can't help it, but any night clear enough for me to still see the stars here in the city, it makes me so happy..... Such a simple, childish thing, and I don't do it on purpose. I just can't help but smile and look up at the sky these days. And walking to the office, seeing the northstar dead ahead, reluctanly, hesitatingly flickering speck that it is.
I saw a perfect, full, circular rainbow around a noonday sun the other day. The clouds were just perfect and when I looked up I saw a bit of color.... Sunglasses on, and it was magnificent. I actually stopped an idle, bored-looking teenage boy and showed him. Big smile, and if it didn't make his day, just showing him made mine.
The year mark is coming
But I'm so emotionless lately. I feel like something is worth being passionate about, but I don't know what it is. I get excited sometimes, but I've been moderating my emotions, regulating my passion to regulate my negative emotions to keep level.... for so long, it's like I'm just kindof
apathetic
But I guess that's what happens when you tell yourself everyday for years that nothing's worth getting that worked up about, that nothing really deserves anger in return, that frustration is weak, and that negativity is not what you want to share with the world. And I've spent the past year smiling and nodding and not understanding really, and being acquiescent. Romance is something to be careful of, you're a professional, you have to show them how to be, you can't act that way in front of these people or those. Sadness is a sin, and you should be hiding it away in a journal or a blog noone knows about.
Because that's what sin is, right? Sin is the bad things we can't avoid doing, the things we hide. Religions tell us not to do these things, and billions of people listen to that stuff, and what's the net result? Shame = sin = hiding. So my sadness, my introspection, my spirituality, my love, my creativity and my wild urges are all my sins. Somehow, those are the things I've come to be ashamed of.
And I'm very concerned with my personal development. Morals, humanity, habits, psyche, intellect. Some things I feel I've grown, some little things.... And I'm happy. But I know that in the past year, in the past 2 years, I haven't really changed a lot. The nucleus of Luc, (the "Lucleus" you might say,) is still pretty much the same guy he was in high school. He's just got a lot of cool accessories, now.
And I long for someone to acknowledge that nucleus. I long for someone to say that they know me, and that they like it. Long to hear that. And then I tell myself to be patient. ^^,
I had this wonderful remarkable religious thought recently, and I wrote a poem. That's given me a new notion to entertain for a while. Another thing to smile about.
